Your anxiety isn´t yours
Your anxiety isn´t yours.
Now I was lying there. A crumpled fetus on a mattress, wholly covered with a warm blanket, behind me on my back my "mom" and laterally in front of me my "dad". Right in the middle of the biodynamic birthing process (Biodynamic Birthrelease) with my loving replacement parents, I felt her rise. This all too familiar massive wave of fear that began to spread in my tiny body. I was just 3-4 months in this belly, and instead of safety and warmth, I felt icy waves of fear.
"I am so afraid that I will lose my baby again."
The moment my "mom" uttered these words of salvation, my waves of fear transformed. Deepest sobs broke in tears of waves out of me. It shook me, and I heard my "daddy" say to my "mom", "Everything's fine. And it does so well that you share your fear with me. I am there for you and our child. You can count on me."
And deep peace and quiet came to me.
I was literally reborn and experienced what it means and how it FEELS to get a good and loving start into this life. Welcome into being. Held and carried in the arms of my mother, looking into loving eyes and feeling the warmth and love of this world.
My mother lost her firstborn, my brother Thomas, who was born too early and died 4 hours after birth. Also, my parents agreed to release it for scientific purposes. My dad never held him and saw him.
My mother was full of fear. That the same thing happens to me, she never talked about it. She put her away. This fear stored in her flowed directly through the umbilical cord into me. And she stayed. Until the moment she spoke the magic words in the labor of birth. "I am so afraid that I will lose my baby again."
And my fear was gone. Because she did not belong to me.
The Birthrelease was and is for me, one of the most moving and profoundly healing processes in Biodynamic Body Psychotherapy. My own life has changed in the experience of being able to experience one's own birth in such a loving and welcoming environment. From the moment I am still floating in the universe, pure soul, to feel called, the conception itself, the way into the uterus, the implantation, the growth, and the birth. That is pure magic and incredibly powerful. And to feel this magic and this power within me.
Many of my clients and many people I meet have signs of birth trauma. I then hear sentences like:
Nobody wants me
I have such an inexplicable existential fear
I keep getting stuck
I would love to feel more
I feel like an alien from another star
Something in me is "off". I can not put my finger on it.
In a 1:1 session or in my group program, I approach this early time very gingerly.
There is a lot of gentle building of trust with questions like:
Is this contact ok for you? How does that feel? May I get closer?
In my work nothing is pushed, everything should feel suitable for my clients. When resistance turns up against something, such as want to be held in the arm, because it feels too close or fear arises, that you will leave anyway, then we let that and try something that feels good. One of the principles in biodynamics is: resistance is ALWAYS protective resistance and should NOT be broken. Resistance must melt, or ways must be found to circumvent it. Everything else only causes more tension and stress. And precisely this is what we want to solve.
The birthing work - Birthrelease - always includes first the experience of a good start as it should have been. That´s the foundation and resource for any subsequent trauma work or work-up.
Do these lines touch something in you?
Have I piqued your interest and you would like to learn more?
Does that make you curious?
Wanna be newborn?
In my 5-month group program "The Healing Catalyst" we approach this topic.
!!! Start is September 06th -08th 2019!!!
Then book a free session or a non-binding conversation with me here.
I'm looking forward to you!
Text: © Elke Hannig Fotos: Pixabay baby-821625 Pixabay background-3332559 Seelenportraits Katharina Kraus